misunderstood

note: this post was written in my personal journal 5 years ago today (2018). I’ve simply added a few lines. it’s not to be interpreted as ‘a defense’ but a proclamation to God’s faithfulness.

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sometimes I wonder how things ended up the way that they did... how relationships changed so drastically... how such unkindness could be spoken by those that spoke so kindly...  how easy it was to move on and never speak again...

is someone to blame?  if yes, than I assume it's me.

as I pray about this and really search my heart, I wonder how could I have been so misunderstood.  my confidence was mistaken for ambition... my devotion as control... my passion as manipulation...  my standards as unrealistic... my honesty as unkindness...  my blank stare as anger...  and, my silence as disappointment.

ultimately, I've never wanted the big job, cool title or applause...  I walked away from the book deal after the final edit... I watched and cheered for others as they stepped into roles I was once offered... I said 'no' to what some said was the obvious next step. even now, I've moved far outside any comfort zone -- I moved hundreds of miles from the place(s) I was well known, respected and pursued...  why? simple, to move into a new level of faith and challenge that still requires crazy faith every second of every day. obedience.  and, unlike our moves to remote vermont or inner-city detroit, which were criticized and challenged by friends, strangers and heroes… this move was applauded… so, regardless of the boo’s or blessings, we knew obedience was the right plan each and every move.  sigh… I believe this more today than ever...

looking back over our life & ministry, it's painfully obvious that I rarely did things close to perfect.  I should've smiled more, said less, given bigger, listened longer and prayed more specifically.  I should have noticed pain, hurt & sadness quicker and been more proactive with hope.

but, wow, I never meant to offend, control, hold-back or let down ANYONE. my assignment, from the Lord, was that of a forerunner and pioneer. it seems that few can endure the isolation, criticism and sudden changes that come with such a calling...

God chose a path for my life at age 17 that I have tried my best to follow -- even through epic failures & disappointments. and, He told me to invite others on this journey -- discipleship in it's most raw form I suppose... so, I did...   but, when things shifted in others hearts, a villain was often needed, and I fit the part.  I could endure it.  I would survive the heartbreak. and, I have ... but not without scars.

The Lord placed the most godly, devoted, compassionate & incredibly tough person in my life as my wife and we raised (and are raising… almost done?) amazing world changing kids. they saw my life upclose and personal, totally unfiltered and uncensored -- and I pray that through the many imperfections & scars, they still saw Jesus.

I understand why 250 pastors leave the ministry every month... why they struggle with fear, depression, loneliness, anger and anxiety.  but, this is not my dna nor is it that of the Holy Spirit who lives in me and gives me the power to press on and overcome. I'm not throwing stones at anyone - in fact, I'm seeking ways that I can help...

so, yes, I still believe. I will still get close to people.  I will still trust and see the very best in others. I will still try.  I always will.  because I serve a Savior who has never left me, turn His back on me or walked away.  through every epic mountain top and bitter valley, He has helped me see the adventure and embrace the impossible.

I love God.  I love people.  I press on.

To those jaded, disappointed or worse... with me.  I love you and I am so sorry.  please, please refocus on Jesus -- He can't let you down... not ever!

being in ministry is being misunderstood... often.

Jesus was, and He did everything, perfect.

I strive to walk in grace, truth, love and joy  -- there's lots of room for improvement in all of them.  and, to those that venture with me for a chapter or two of their lives, my intentions remain the same, to see each of you 'recklessly abandon yourself to the purpose of God.'  don't let anyone be more important than Him... certainly not me.

I remain misunderstood... for now. perhaps, someday, it will all make sense but then it won't matter. Ha! …oh well.

peace.

** these are unedited thoughts from my heart tonight.  no need to comment unless you need to.  just smile, breathe, forgive and press on.  you are amazing and God's not done with you.

love, strength & honor,

Chilly